So lately I keep hearing and reading about “toxic masculinity”. And I mean it is everywhere. So I spent a little time reading up on it, and thinking about what “masculinity” means in a contextual sense.
For all of my life, when people are talking about a masculine male, I hear terms like “macho”, “all-american”, “tough guy”, “rugged”, “he-man”, “hunky”and last but not least “stud”. And I guess when you think about it, I can sort of see where some of those things can naturally lead to a “toxic” thought process. They all lead to what I have learned are typical traits of toxic masculinity, which are:
- Bottling it up, masking any emotional distress and containing outward shows of emotion
- Keeping an image of hardness
- Physical power or violence as a means of power
- Sexual prowess or conquest indicating worth
- Don’t admit/discuss failures
Yeah, ok I get some of that. I mean, I grew up with the disgusted look you got if someone thought you were going to cry. Because “real men don’t cry”. “Toughen Up”, because guys don’t wear their emotions outwardly. At least, not the “real men”. And things like that made me take a good long look at some of the metrics that I learns for manhood success.
Get a Job
Having a full time job that made good money made you a “good man” or successful. If you worked part-time, you weren’t a real “grown-up” or not what the ladies would consider a “catch”. And if you didn’t make a lot, you avoided that topic as best that you could. It didn’t matter if you loved what you did, if it was a passion, if it served others. It mattered that it was full-time, with benefits, and could support a family. Having a job like that made you a “real man”, therefore “masculine”.
But we have learned these days that nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, having a means of income is important. But you can accomplish that part-time or even self-employed. You can be very successful without a company 401K, and still be planning for retirement. Men have now learned that being home with family is not the womans job exclusively. Being a masculine man in today’s environment can mean being balanced, hard working yes but happy with what you do.
Lock It Up
Don’t show frustration, fear, aggravation, emotional duress or any of that crap. Guys were actively encouraged to “lock it up” when their emotions started to come forward and people could see it. My generation didn’t have the maturity to deal with a man having an emotional crisis. The solution was usually to find an excuse to get out of their presence and refer them them as having some kind of “girly meltdown”. It probably couldn’t be much worse when I think about it. It’s not just toxic masculinity that I was taught but outright sexism. I mean, “only girls have those kind of menstrual moments”. Right, because that’s what emotional difficulties are. I’m frankly very thankful that somehow this new generation seems to know a little better.
Suck That Gut In Chisel-Chest
Being manly is about having pecs and a six-pack. Oh, also about the ability to kick the shit of the 4 A-holes who are eyeing up your girl at the local watering hole. Road House! Because being strong is manly, right? Being tough is manly. Kicking ass is manly. Having a “beer belly” could be manly too, but only if you crushed those last 6 beer cans in your bare hands, sharped your knives and cleaned out your shotguns. Or maybe rolled out the Harley. Maybe that was just in my family, but nobody thought much of the “pudgy guys” in terms of their manliness. But when the weightlifter ex-marine walked in walked in, oh my, now there walked a MAN.
Traits of Modern Masculinity
The world has some different impacts happening, and social media has a large role to play in this. In fact, it’s easier all the time to pretend to be someone you aren’t. But what can happen is that you actually adopt these tough-guy persona acts in your own life after time elapses. Some basic suggestions for developing a positive role for men include:
Talk About It
Bottling it all up is not the solution. The “pressure cooker” syndrome alone should be enough to discourage that. It’s so important to our children that we learn how to show them that they don’t have to be constrained to this sort of behavior. When we as fathers communicate with our kids, we can openly demonstrate how productive it can be to talk it out. Healthy conversations that address the problems our kids face can equip them with the tools to work through similar problems throughout their life, and guys, that’s our job. To equip them with the tools to get through life.
Admit To Your Own Issues
During that talk, don’t just say stuff like “oh no I remember what it’s like to be your age”. Sure, you remember. But it’s likely that you remember doing or experiencing something just as bad, if not worse. And you know what, you screwed it all up right? Don’t tell them you knew all the answers and did it right. Tell them how you didn’t listen to anyone and everything got totally FUBAR as a result of your decisions. Humanize yourself and your experiences. When you don’t acknowledge your failures, you place yourself on a pedestal. What kid wants to admit their fears or failings to someone so lofty? Tell them that you have bad days. That you were sad about something. But be inclusive and positive in the conversation and guide them through a discussion that leads to optimism and positive outcomes.
Be Genuinely Interested In Others
Having some actual interest in the topics that people are fascinated with goes a long way. That goes for men and women alike, to be sure. Not all guys are interested in football, and not all women are interested in cooking. Those types of stereotypes have no place in our world these days, and I’m thankful for that. To be honest, I dislike golf and love to cook. I still feel pretty masculine. Take the time to ask what people are interested in, and don’t be shocked by a non-stereo type answer. Encourage more on the subject and make the discussion about them, less about you, and you will have an audience that enjoys that conversation.
Get Rid Of the Adonis Requirement
Having the perfect, sculptured body is cool. But not having it doesn’t make you less of a “man”. Body shaming happens to guys too, and there is no reason for it. Unrealistic expectations of body images and physical behavior are not helping our young men’s self-esteem. And they really need to know that there is no “perfect body” out there, so to keep thinking that they are being graded on that is a path to endless failure.
Respect
So simple, isn’t it? Just show respect to everyone. The fact is that old-school macho men didn’t demonstrate much respect to their wives. They might have been gentlemen, held the door, been nice. But that doesn’t mean they actually “respected” the thoughts, opinions, and actions of anyone less than another “manly-man”. People can learn so much about how you treat your date, spouse, kids, and anyone you encounter in a service industry. In fact, every aspect about your interactions with others is usually observed by someone, and that can create a whole founding platform for the thoughts, beliefs and developments of those watching. No pressure though.